60 Thoughts on Turning 60 (From Your 35-year-old Niece)

  1. You can finally start shoplifting because if old people get caught shoplifting they can just act confused and store employees let them go.
  2. Someone is going to refer to you as grandma whether you are one or not; probably someone who doesn’t know you, like a store employee, who just assumes that someone your age must be a grandma.  (This gives you tacit permission to shoplift from them.)
  3. You’ve heard of a MILF.  There is no such thing as a GILF.  Actually, there probably is but there’s no way I’m Googling that to find out.
  4. You now qualify to wear pants with elastic waistbands as formal attire.
  5. If so desired, you can technically refer to yourself as a Saucy Old Broad.  (I aspire to this.)
  6. Gravity gets tricky from now on.
  7. So do shoes without rubber soles.
  8. You may start shrinking.  However, the floor will get farther away.
  9. You will have fewer fears than you did as a youth, because if it hasn’t killed you by now, it probably won’t.
  10. Except land sharks.  Land sharks will always kill you.
  11. I cannot emphasize this enough.  ALWAYS AVOID LAND SHARKS.
  12. You’ve reached an age where you can claim to have been present at any historical event. Young people with no concept of time or history (read: all young people) will believe you.
  13. When I was 8 years old I asked Grandma how old she was.  She asked me to guess.  I guessed 45 because it was the oldest age I could think of.  Everyone laughed.  At the time, I believed they were laughing because no one could possibly be that old.
  14. You were alive in a time before anyone claimed to be Bootylicious.
  15. It’s possible you were the sexy Justin Timberlake was talking about bringing back.
  16. If a hummingbird lived this long, it would definitely be a world record of some sort.
  17. A centipede has 60 legs, if you cut off 40 of its legs.
  18. If you were born in 1952, you were born in a leap year.  Determining this required a calculator.
  19. If you had a calculator when you were my age, this was around the time people started figuring out that on a calculator the number 80085 looks like the word boobs.  You may even have been the first person to discover this fact. Does the Nobel Committee know about you?
  20. Nothing rhymes with the word sixty.
  21. This is one reason I’m writing a list and not a poem.
  22. Another reason is that I didn’t think of a poem until I was already on number 20.  Which is a third of the way through.
  23. So you’re not getting a poem.
  24. Another thing about being 60 is that you can dye your hair purple and act like it was an accident and you’re oblivious.
  25. You can also say “HUH?” and pretend you can’t hear people when really you’re just ignoring them.
  26. Sixty is starting to sound really fun.
  27. People will ask if you’re eligible for the Senior Discount.  No matter their specific age requirement, the answer to this question is always YES.
  28. People will also ask if you want to wear a red hat and purple clothes for some reason.  I don’t know what their deal is, but my gut tells me they are not to be trusted.
  29. Also not to be trusted?  Land sharks.
  30. The Roman numeral for sixty is LX. The size of a large person is XL.  Coincidence?
  31. Politicians will now pander to get your vote.
  32. When you go to a grocery store, be sure to request the keys to one of those scooters.  It looks really fun, and no one will question whether you need it because you obviously do.
  33. You should probably look into getting a Sealy Posturepedic, just in case.
  34. If you fall and break a bone and it’s bad enough, the insurance company will pay to install ramps in your home.  Which doesn’t sound fun at first, but later you can skateboard on them.
  35. Definitely get used to saying “What in tarnation?” because you will probably find yourself in many situations where its use is necessary.
  36. Your glasses are on your head.
  37. There is no prince from Nigeria.  He does not want to share his fortune with you.
  38. You’re right.  Electronics are complicated.  It’s only going to get worse.  However, the youngsters will insist it’s getting easier.
  39. When people feign interest in the details of your many health concerns, they’re just being polite.
  40. The neighbors are not stealing your things.  You’re losing them.
  41. When you figure out where generic Old Lady Smell comes from will you let me know?  I’ve figured out that Old Man Smell is Irish Spring soap.  If you are an old man, avoid Irish Spring Soap to keep ‘em guessing.
  42. Your generation had the Vietnam War, but my generation had 9/11; wars in Kuwait, Afghanistan, AND Iraq; and the Great Recession.   My generation can beat up your generation.   Just so you know.  You pansies.
  43. While I’m on the subject, thanks for pollution.
  44. And for bankrupting social security before I get there.
  45. Enjoy all the good real estate while I live in a condo.
  46. Maybe my generation SHOULD beat up your generation.
  47. I have a feeling your generation fights dirty.  Like you’d be all “no knives” but then you’d totally shank me.  I have subdued respect for this.
  48. It’s awkward to bring this up, but are you sure you should still be driving at this age?  Because mail boxes don’t tend to just “jump right out” in front of you like that.
  49. Remember in the 1800s when the average life span was like 40 or something?  Hahahahahaha!  Idiots.
  50. Is this font too small? Let me fix that for you.
  51. No matter what anyone says, 5 o’clock has always been an acceptable time for dinner.  They just haven’t noticed yet.

  52. You can throw away the year-old ice cream you keep in the freezer “just in case.”  Even if someone comes over who likes ice cream, they’ll be repulsed by the freezer burn and that weird goopy film around the edges.

  53. The beauty of cable TV is that there’s got to be an episode of Wheel of Fortune on somewhere.

  54. Bingo!

  55. You totally just nodded off in your chair for a second.  Yes, you did.  Yes, you did.  You were snoring.

  56. People who died at age 60:  Calvin Coolidge.  Benedict Arnold.  Bob Fosse.  I hope you are finding this information useful.

  57. In 140 years you will not be 200 years old.

  58. I’m really really serious about the land sharks.  Keep an eye out.

  59. I will never be older than you.

  60. Neener neener.

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